Xiao and I were at the dog park this weekend and serendipitously ran into a group of kids from a daycare. They were there to run with the dogs and apparently to socialize (some were special need kids, it appeared). As usual, Xiao causes people to look and inquire and in this case, the day care provider discreetly asked where she was from. I am not at the point where this question offends me, although I know there will be many annoyances in our future. However, she had a reason for asking. One of her staff was adopted from Korea and lo and behold, she was standing close by. We were introduced and she admired Xiaoxiao and pointed out her own 3 year old son playing close by. Funny, I noticed him already, a beautiful Asian boy running joyfully among the children. We began our own conversation, and she told me about her life experience. As a 21 year old, she is beginning to get some perspective but her life as an adopted child has not been easy. In fact, her boyfriend's parents continue to refer to her parents as "foster" parents. She has fielded many intrusive questions during her life which confirmed for her that she was not like everyone else. She has been back to Korea and has visited the orphanage where she spent the first 6 months of her life. She even, astonishingly, has access to her birth records and could track down her birth mother if she so chooses. But she suffers with this decision, and nurses her frequent pain regarding her life. She talked about the surprising and affirming experience of finally having another human being that resembles her in appearance. She had a difficult adolescence and became a mother quite young. She loves her parents and her brothers (biological sons) but has lived with an emptiness and a disquietude for most of her conscious life.
I was deeply touched and affected by this young woman's story. As I think about my own sweet girl's future, I want desperately to protect her from this feeling but I know that I can't. I knew what I was signing up for but what I didn't expect was the profound sadness that now lives inside me when I think about Jasmine searching for answers to her own future questions. I can only hope that I will be equipped to sit with her pain, find adequate answers to her questions and provide the comfort and safety that she so deserves.
2 comments:
Wow - you sure put it out there!! I'd offer a couple thoughts, starting with, from most that I've met of adoptive parents, you'll be more than ready for 'the time' when it comes - IMHO you are ready now! Most all adoptive parents, and in particular those of us that have adopted trans-culturally, are kind of 'intrinsically' ready. (Brianna first notice our race differece when she was about 5.5 years - it may be sooner than you think!) We know that all we can really do is offer unconditional love and acceptance, and teach our kids that there are mean people everywhere! Deep down they will know who their real mom and dad are. And someday we may hear those hateful words "You're not my (mother / father)" come from our children's mouths. Once the ouch passes maybe you'll be able to take comfort in the fact that you have loved your child sooo completely and unconditionally that they felt safe enough to hurt you like that. (And once they calm down they'll understand how mean that was and come back around full of remorse - that's good too - the pain will work both ways!!)
The other thought I'd share - as a dad of adults as well as kids - our bio kids frequently will encounter feelings of being 'outcast' - even from their own families. That's a part of learning to cope with the 'guilt' of being an 'individual' instead of a 'child'. I just point it out so that we - as adoptive parents - realize that it's not 'just because' our kids are adopted - but the 'fact' of their adoption sometimes 'masks' that.
It sounds to me like the gal you met is doing real well - but might just be a little happier if she felt comfortable correcting anyone who might refer to her parents as 'foster' etc. I'd just mention that the innocent young ones had out that correction to their peers AND adults without a problem because they don't know any better - it doesn't become an issue for them until the get older and are learning how to be polite...maybe that's a lesson we should skip? ;)
You guys will be great when the time comes - and there will be no preperation for it, it will just happen - but that's kind of one of those parts of being a parent!
hugs - aus and co.
I love what AUS said but would also like to comment that Jasmine and Lizzie are VERY strong and very determined little girls. They are survivers! I do think that the power struggles that are so hard right now will serve them well as they enter into young adulthood. I do think EVERY child (bio and adopted) suffers through adolescence - I know I did. I do, however, see a particular strength in Lizzie and Jasmine and think/hope that they will be able to rise above some of this and be at peace with themselves and their lives. I think you seem very prepared and aware! You are wonderful, loving parents and that goes a very long way!!
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