No one told me that my love for Jasmine would nearly break my heart open every single day.
No one told me that I would feel so exposed when out in the world. We certainly educated ourselves plenty about transracial adoption but no one could prepare me for my own personal experience of being out in the world with a gregarious and eye-catching Chinese toddler.
No one told me that I would wonder if other moms think I'm "real" enough. If other moms think that my love for Jasmine is second best. If other people feel sorry for me that I didn't give birth to my daughter.
No one told me how fiercely protective I would feel. No one told me that I don't want other children to stare at her (even though they stare at each other all the time) wondering if they notice her differences or if they will say something mean (some have already). No one told me that sending my daughter out into the world would cause me to lay awake at night, worrying if she will already start to get hurt by others.
No one told me that adopting a special needs child increases that protectiveness a hundred-fold.
No one told me the strain adopting and parenting can put on a marriage.
No one told me that adopting a special needs child would make me feel the need to explain certain things to strangers about Jasmine (I don't, but I feel compelled). I feel the need to explain why my 2 year old still drools and wears a bib, why she can't articulate words, but I don't. No one told me that I would compare her development with other children's, and then feel guilty for it. That I have to explain to some people that she IS different and even though she is abundantly happy and super-intelligent, she has special needs on multiple levels and that our love for her will never fill all the gaps.
No one told me that I would still wonder after a year if certain family members think of my daughter in the same way as other children in the family.
No one told me that I would wonder so much about how Jasmine's adoption will manifest for her when she is old enough to talk about it.
No one told me how annoying it would be when people assume adopting from China means you have a lot of money. We scrimped and saved and sacrifice daily to live within our very modest means. I have often felt that adoption agencies prepare people so much for some things (like racism, attachment issues) that other fundamental aspects of adopting get ignored. But truthfully, every adoption is personal and this particular issue gets under my skin. I already know how ignorant and racist people can be...but not everyone needs a garage full of toys and a big screen TV (of which we have neither).
No one told me that certain parts of parenting would come so easy, or that I would learn to cope with experiences that I was so scared of before. That I would watch Jasmine go under anesthesia 4 times in the first year of our lives together and that I would be strong enough to help her get through surgery.
No one told me that parenting would exhaust us so much and that I would constantly struggle to maintain some sense of control in my life.
4 comments:
Monica, I am so glad you shared this. Hearing from moms who adopted special needs children really taught me a ton. And the feelings of being so exposed out in the world? Yes. I know. And what makes me sad is that it is so much worse on our children.
Thanks for Sharing!
It is amazing what we hear and don't hear!
Know that there are a few out there that totally get it and that our children will have some strong connections because of this.
Hugs Ruth in NZ
I used to think I wasn't a real mom because I wasn't making any progress with my son...he still wasn't attaching, he still wasn't getting better. But, I just had to realize it wasn't my fault. Once I calmed down he did too.
So you read TM too! Great post - it's a shame we were in Ky over the weekend - while there are a hundred things I could say, on this lap I think I'll just hang back and pace everybody else! Brillant stuff - and here's one that hits me (and you - but you didn't say it) kinda regular...."I didn't know that adopting would make me so introspective - that I'd spend so dang much time looking at my self an my responses to the world too! After all - I was a sucessful parent of three already." I guess I've learned that same old lesson yet again (I learn it a couple times a year I guess) You never have it figured out - but if you keep coming back at it from love - you generally 'guess correctly' when you need to make a decision!
hugs - aus and co.
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