An outing

Despite the shrinking and depressing economy, I am happy to announce that our little community of Auburn, after much anticipation, now has a Home Depot. We dropped in today for a quick visit and admired the fancy appliances and shiny well-stocked shelves. Jasmine was particularly enamored with the drive-a-cart and threw a big fit when we had to put her back in the passenger seat.

Tonight we are losing our power for 15 hours starting at 8 pm as PG and E does an upgrade to the transformers. This is a good thing since we tend to lose power quite regularly during the winter season, but it's lights out in 45 minutes. I thought I'd do a quick post before I lose my computer privileges.

Gotcha day! (+6 months)

Sharing a light moment with Taylor.
Carter and Taylor-a great match, a great couple.

Noodles!





Jasmine is intuitively drawn to the staff at Twin Dragon. They seem quite content to indulge her as well.



Today is our 6 month anniversary of Gotcha day and what better place to celebrate than in the very authentic Chinese restaurant in town? The owner is from Guangzhou and epitomizes the success of the entrepreneurial spirit. How did she pull it off, having a successful restaurant in this small town in Northern California? We loved having the company of our newlywed friends, Carter and Taylor, and Jasmine was equally enamored. She loves the attention of a pretty woman.

It is impossible to describe what 6 months means--already? is that all? It's a time-frame that doesn't speak to the experience of becoming parents in a most unusual way, falling in love over and over and yet, still amazed every day that she is in our lives. It's indescribable. Our lives have been dictated by the normal routine of parenting and the added strain of an unexpected medical condition. Did we expect that Jasmine's palate would still not be repaired? Could we have predicted how precocious and gregarious our daughter would be? It's a journey that we embarked on several years ago and one that continues to challenge and fulfill us in more ways than we could have ever imagined. But to imagine that 6 months ago we were in China and our daughter was handed over to us....it is an extraordinary memory that will always be fresh in my mind.

Tag-team

Our household operates best when at least one out of the three of us gets adequate sleep. If all three get sleep we have a much better chance of maintaining a smoothly oiled machine. So, we rolled up our sleeves and decided to deal with the sleep problem head on--that would be a little Chinese baby by the name of Jasmine. We've gotten back to basics with sleep, which is to not indulge her too much when she cries and not send Mama in her room if at all possible until morning time. Shane has agreed to go in to her whenever she cries out in the night and encourages her to go back to sleep. He does not pick her up and gently lays her back down if needed. He reassures her that we love her and that we'll be there in the morning. Tonight, as soon as she saw that it was him entering her room, she gave up her protests and went right to sleep. We have had no interruptions (at least in the wee hours) for 2 nights so far. These days, nothing is taken for granted and the gift of a good night's sleep is always welcome in our home.

From the common to the rare, a cleft and a sling

For those of you who have been following this blog you know that we are dealing with 2 major medical issues with Jasmine. Her cleft palate, the most common birth defect in the world (I think this is accurate), was something we signed up for. We didn't start out in the special needs program but easily switched to it when things with China adoptions changed in 2007. We were open to many special needs, so when Jasmine's file became available we did some very quick research--and soul searching--and knew that she was our daughter. A cleft palate, while common, is not an easy need to address. There are many, many specialists involved in a child's care for most of their 18 years. Jasmine will need multiple surgeries in her life and years of orthodontia care and speech therapy. We became very acquainted with all of this and knew that we were signing up for a medically-involved life.

But when Jasmine became our daughter, we were immediately aware of her having some breathing difficulties. We wondered if this was related to her cleft and were persistent in trying to get our questions answered. The answer came when Jasmine was pre-op for palate surgery at Shriner's on Dec. 4 and the chief anesthesiologist noticed a very slight tugging at the throat. Rather than performing palate surgery, she had a larynoscopy to explore her windpipe. From there, we were ordered for more tests, resulting in her diagnosis of pulmonary sling just before Christmas.

To make a long story short, until this week we were not really clear about this congenital defect. We knew it required surgery and we knew it was serious but we didn't know much more. Yesterday we FINALLY met with a pediatric cardiac surgeon who came to us from a friend. He agreed to consult with us for free to explain what we were dealing with. Pulmonary artery sling is an EXTREMELY rare congenital defect that requires precise surgery to correct. The problem is that her pulmonary artery is biforcating the esophagus and the trachea. For most of us, this artery travels in front of both of these tubes. It's a one shot deal to fix it. The trachea needs to be opened and a piece of cartilage from the 11th rib is inserted into it to give it room to grow. Otherwise Jasmine will outgrow her trachea. On top of this, we want this particular surgeon to correct this condition since he is highly experienced (he's done 8 in his 20 years of practicing, compared to 4000 cardiac surgeries). He is, of course, out of network. But if he, or someone equally experienced, doesn't perform the surgery serious ramifications result. So starting on Monday we are in the fight of our lives to get Jasmine's surgery performed by one of the best out there.

What are the chances that our daughter has this unique and possibly one of a kind combination of cleft lip/palate and pulmonary sling? Dr. Mainwaring has actually written a chapter in a medical book about pulmonary rings and slings and he told us that he has never seen or heard of this combination. I think that this makes Jasmine exquisitely unique and special. She is truly and unabashedly one-of-a-kind and we love her more and more every single day.

What happened?

This is the scene in my home this morning as Jasmine is getting her final hours of sleep on her Baba's chest. She no longer sleeps through the night and will not go down easily at night anymore. We have been spoiled all these months!! I admit that it's been hard on us to adjust--we felt so blessed that Jasmine didn't have sleep issues. To make matters worse (at least for me), Jasmine just can't get comfortable on my chest so when I get up with her and try for an hour to put her back down in her crib, this scenario is our last resort. But I'm just not a nice flat spot like her Baba is, and trust me, I know. I've slept in that same spot for years. We really hope this is a passing phase, but in the meantime our household is now just a bit more sleep deprived than usual and definitely more perplexed as to why this is starting now...

Shoes

OK, I admit it. I wear high heels. I have many different heights and colors of high heels. I know they're not good for me but I justify it by saying to myself that I sit on my tush all day long and hardly walk in them at all. So when I come home after work my shoes are the first thing to go. And because I'm not the only one in the house with a shoe fetish they are soon to appear on someone else's little feet.

Here she is, signing "shoes". Yes, sweetheart, they are shoes.

She worked hard but eventually she managed, all on her own, to put the correct shoe on each foot.

And she managed to coerce her Baba into helping her strut her stuff, and let me just say that he was totally encouraging her to strut.

One last glance at the feet before she was whisked off to the bath.

And on a final note Jasmine peed in her potty tonight for the first time. For all you parents of toddlers, you know exactly how exciting this is and I was pretty darn excited. We've been playing around with it for quite a few weeks and the best she could do was a squat and a pee next to the potty. Tonight, she sat, aimed, fired and voila, another first. I'm still not ready to talk about medical issues but I hope to be better prepared to discuss that this weekend.

The different faces of Jasmine

Jasmine managed to wrap my "purse" around her shoulder so that it hung in front of her, just like I wear it. Here she is, sharing a lighter moment with her Daddy.
Comfortably hanging out on her Baba's back having a snack.
Tangled up in Mama's yarn. When Jasmine is frustrated she lets us know immediately.

Impatient to go outside.

Our sweet, sweet Jasmine, developing such a mind of her own. I decided, since she never smiles for the camera, I might as well capture a more candid image of our determined little girl. Her frustrations are a shared family experience, along with her joys and delights. We don't worry much about her behavior out in public since she's such a performer and a ham. But at home, she is demanding and ubiquitous and we love her all the more for it. Our only recent frustrations are more frequent nights of waking up and not going back to sleep (it was so nice all these months...), refusing naps on the weekends (already discussed in a previous post), and having to watch the Signing Times dvd 75 times a day. I'll write more about her medical issues when I have a clearer head about it.

Family life

Jasmine climbed into her favorite reading chair and started reading a book. This is the first time I've seen her do this all by herself without any prompting. You can see that Jasmine is still wearing bibs in most of her pictures. Since her palate isn't repaired yet and she has a lot of teeth coming in, she is drooling very heavily still. She easily can go through 6-7 bibs in a day. Some of her bibs are looking a little worse for the wear but we know this period will end soon.



We had another snow dump and I couldn't wait to get out and frolic. Jasmine wasn't convinced until I shoveled a pathway around the driveway and she thought that was pretty fun. We played follow the leader until it was all cleared and then we went for a walk.



As you can see, Zami is in on the fun too. What dog doesn't love the snow?

Jasmine didn't waste any time finding the sweet spot in the road and was able to negotiate the tire tracks quite easily. I love the way she looks when she is walking outdoors. She is so purposeful and athletic. Or is that just my projection?

Making sure I'm not too far behind.

Zami, back to her usual self after a couple of unexpected hospital visits this winter, loves the winter months. Snowfall up here is unpredictable. We're only at 2600 feet, not much elevation by anyone's standards, but we're in an interesting micro-climate in the Sierras. Unlike the Colorado Rockies where I grew up, the Sierras climb steeply to the mountains so the foothills experience more winter-like conditions.

Sad news and the ripple effect

Qian Mei Xiao, aka, Jasmine Mei Xiao Clarke, still living in the orphanage.
We were deeply shocked and saddened to learn recently that our agency, Heritage Adoption Agency in Portland, Oregon, is no longer providing international adoption services. This agency and their capable and compassionate staff have helped unite hundreds of children with their families, with a particular penchant for placing special needs children. They were always professional and accessible and helped with every step--no matter how big or small--along the way. I will never forget the phone calls coming from Vicki Paulson as we were receiving referrals for our child (it took us about 6 months to find Jasmine) and the day that she called me with Jasmine's referral. Shane was in Ireland visiting his parents and I could not find his phone number anywhere, since he always called me. I was desperately trying to contact him and had to resort to the internet to find his family's phone number (thank goodness his parents have lived in the same house for 45 years). We had 48 hours to make a decision whether or not to place a hold on her. Vicki and the Heritage staff did somersaults and backflips to make sure we would not lose her and I always believed that in her heart, Vicki knew she was meant to be ours. I knew the minute she called and had a special tone to her voice, a tone that said "I think we have found your daughter." And from that moment on, Heritage did what I can only describe as magic to facilitate our journey, which happened just 4 short months later.

But I digress. The agency is down to 2 staff according to the website--the owner and one other. Everyone is gone and Vicki has been working tirelessly for months without pay to make sure that adoptions in the works continue without glitches. And our fabulous and extraordinary guide, Kathy? Who we could not have survived one minute without while in China? Out of work too. For those of you who followed our journey in August, you will remember that Kathy was not just a guide, but a nurse, a social worker, a friend and a loving stable figure for our traumatized babies.

What is to come of all the children in China and around the world as international adoptions decline? This is a direct result, obviously, of our dire economic times. Adoption has now become unaffordable to many people, including us, not to mention the loss of health care as people lose their jobs. These 2 criteria are critical in making a decision to adopt a child internationally. The orphanages are already feeling the impact, I'm sure, as their numbers increase and adoptions decrease. With a burgeoning population of 1 billion people, babies are still being made in China and 1 child per family still persists. What will happen to all the children who are abandoned for their gender, birth defect or simply because they are #2?

Winter returns

As usual for a Monday we have an assortment of photos highlighting weekend activities. There is nothing quite like spending a weekend at home when the weather turns cold. Jasmine is bundled up getting ready to go for a walk.

Here we are next door as Alex points out the tree trimmer to J. J has never seen a man high up in a tree before.

This is how Jasmine was dressed after spending some time with her Baba while I was in the kitchen. I was told under no uncertain terms to not post Shane's picture of how he looked, although I must say the kiddie apron was quite becoming.

We celebrated Jasmine's 1 1/2 birthday tonight with our friends Steph and Reinhard.

Eating her homemade cupcake.

And finally, Monday morning we woke to newly fallen snow. We were out by 7:30 walking the dog and Jasmine decided to walk herself.

Jasmine had her 18 month well-baby check-up today. We love our pediatrician, Dr. Chou--it's one of the few times going to the doctor is not too traumatic. Jasmine has come so far in 5 months with doctor visits. No crying or screaming, she allows herself to be weighed, measured and inspected with good humor. Even the ears and mouth are easily examined. To think that just a few months ago she would not let a stethoscope near her without throwing a fit. I asked Dr. Chou, somewhat desperately, when her growth would start to slow down a little. She is gaining a pound a month and has grown several inches since we got her. He chuckled, noting that she is at the 95% for her height on the AMERICAN growth charts, and 75% for weight. I'm not sure anyone could have predicted that we would have a big, tall baby with a cleft palate and a pulmonary sling. We honestly think of her as perfectly healthy with a couple of repair jobs pending.

Independence day

Jasmine turned 18 months old this weekend, and she is acting every bit of her 18 months. She loves to take charge and knows exactly what she wants, and right now, she wants to walk the dog. With the advice of my neighbor, Alex, I hooked up 2 leashes and much like a back seat driver, I was able to steer the group in the general direction of the pond.



Zami is a bit uncertain about the new leadership.

At the grocery store! Jasmine loves going to the store and lately, she's become a great help. She opens bins for me, inspects the produce and is generally interested in quality control.


But the real help comes in the way of cart navigation. From her unique perspective she is able to adeptly navigate her way into any shelf, counter or oncoming, unsuspecting shopper. While extremely helpful, we have unfortunately had to limit her freedom to "supervised shopping" only.




Jasmine is accelerating her growth to incorporate language. She is mimicking words and is able to make some words distinguishable. I almost burst into tears last night when I put her to bed, told her I loved her and she told me she loved me back. It wasn't enunciated very clearly but it was a definite I love you. It left me thinking about how children know what "I love you" means. Love, or any feeling for that matter, is a concept and a feeling, not a thing. So to express that feeling verbally--as opposed to acting out a feeling like anger or sadness--is quite complex. Jasmine is extremely loving, very physical with us. She kisses us and hugs us and can't get enough lap time. But for her to put her feelings into words, and actually that is the only feeling that she has put into words, is extraordinary to me. We are enthralled with her development and every day we are curious to see what comes next. I'll write more later about her enthusiasm with sign language.

Adoption and Attachment

As a therapist, I thought long and hard about what it would mean to adopt a child. I have worked with lots of attachment disordered children, and for that matter, attachment disordered adults. Attachment disorders don't end with childhood but continue on into our adult relationships. So, with much thought and consideration, I decided that I would still be willing to adopt even though I knew the risks involved and also knew the lives that parents have with attachment disordered children. It's not impossible to treat but you need to be a certain kind of person to be the necessary kind of parent. I was not sure that I was that person, but I also knew that my fears came from never having been tested. Once we embarked on the adoption journey I had resolve to find the strength to face whatever challenges lay ahead.

For reasons that I'm still sorting out, children adopted from China often seem to have less attachment issues than those from eastern European countries and certainly less than those adopted out of our foster care system in the U.S. If there's a system that is primed for creating attachment disorders, it's ours. My friend and fellow therapist, Lynn, has 4 adopted children from China and I will never forget her saying to me that her children forced her to challenge all the attachment theories that we had been exposed to in our professional training. This one conversation gave me the calmness that I was looking for.

I think about attachment every single day since Jasmine has been with us. Every thing I do, every time that I am away, I think about attachment. Even as time accumulates since Jasmine has been with us, I know that attachment is a delicate and fragile balance that focuses on deep relationship and connection. There are different types of disorders in the attachment disordered spectrum, avoidant, ambivalent and disorganized being the subcategories. These are complex relationship patterns that are a result of many events in one's life--parenting (and their issues), death of a parent, mental illness, abandonment, addictions...the list goes on and on. So in knowing that Jasmine's ability to connect in a wholesome way has become our responsibility, I think about attachment. I fret if I leave her too long (and as a working mom, this is a lot of fretting) and I constantly seek to have an eye on connection. I don't want her to ever feel abandoned again, yet there is also the messy stuff of parenting, setting limits, teaching boundaries and having time for oneself. The balancing act feels weighty and critically important. But I am grateful. Grateful that I am old enough to have patience, grateful that my years as a therapist have taught me compassion, grateful that our spirited and determined daughter has found the strength to attach to her stranger/parents and deeply grateful that Jasmine is lovingly and wholeheartedly attached to both of us. And I hope that I have the wisdom to never take this for granted.

What nap?

Jasmine has decided that being the big girl that she is, Zami should be under her watch. Zami is trying hard to be a trooper but one sniff of a squirrel and Jasmine would be flat on her back.
As you can see, Zami's attention is already drawn elsewhere. Nice try, J.
Our dear friend Stephanie hung out with Jasmine for a couple of hours on Saturday and we got to go ride our bikes. Look at this weather on the last day of January.
Jasmine is addicted to a Signing Times dvd. We don't watch any TV with her (we hardly watch any ourselves) but she LOVES sign language. She plops down in front of the TV and signs "more". So we sat and watched her new favorite program.
Our lovely daughter has decided that it's time to shake things up a little bit. Nap, schmap. Who has time for naps when there's so much to DO. There's playing and walking, singing and dancing, climbing and exploring. How can one possibly fit in a nap with such a demanding schedule? Oh, and sleeping 'til 7:30? Why bother?! What a waste of a perfectly good hour, and it's before the sun comes up so it's even more enticing. 6:30 is a much better time, especially on a Sunday morning when I know that mama wants nothing more than to crawl out of bed to my screams and crib-rattles.

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I love every precious minute with my daughter. But I do love a few precious minutes to myself too, and that little tiny half an hour that I used to have in the morning--gone. That sweet spot in the middle of the afternoon--no more. Yes, the soon-to-be 18 month old thinks she's too big for naps now. The world is her oyster and sleeping is a profound waste of time. We'll see how long this trend lasts...let's just say there are a couple of parents who aren't too thrilled with the new arrangement.