What no one told me about parenting

How can I talk about my relationship with Jasmine without sounding corny or even naive? Jasmine loves being in a relationship, both with me and with her daddy. We have increasingly unique relationships with her and as these relationships deepen we are each challenged and rewarded in different ways.

Jasmine loves me with every fiber in her being. She lives and breathes for me. When we are together, no matter how many days in a row it is, she wants constant physical closeness with me. When we spend our 3 day weekends together, I am never out of eyesight from her and we spend most of our time snuggling, playing, looking into each other's eyes and communicating in a variety of ways. I find our relationship to be extraorinarily intense, something I had no way of preparing myself for. I did not know what a parent/child relationship could be like on this end. I did not know that having a relationship with a 2 year old could be this profound, this wonderful, this exhausting. And it's certainly not the playing that exhausts me the most, but the constant engagement. Jasmine never tires of interacting and expects the highest level of ouput from me.

So tonight when she threw a fit during dinner and refused to eat (after she had a brilliant day with her dad and a fantastic weekend with her mama and nagymama), I had to take a hard stand. I let her know in no uncertain terms that if she wouldn't eat, I would not play with her or read her books or interact with her in our normal way (and let me just say that putting her to bed without dinner is not an option--she really needs food to sleep well). I was not angry or impatient, but I withdrew the part of myself from her that she cherishes the most and I told her why many times.

So here's what she did. She agreed to take a bath and handed all her toys to us, knowing that she was not supposed to play with me. She said several times "no book". She didn't throw another fit during her bath, or after she got out. She didn't cling to me or try to whine her way into my arms. And when I suggested that she go back to her chair and eat her dinner, and we could read and play and snuggle, she responded with an enthusiastic "YAH", climbed into her chair and was immediately rewarded with smiles and praise and food and kisses and applause. I could not believe that our 2 year old was able to regulate her emotions, respect my limits, make a choice for herself that reversed course for the evening. Jasmine was not scared that I would stop loving her. She was not shamed into feeling bad about herself. She recognized what I consider to be a very sophisticated relationship dynamic and decided for herself what was important.

I find myself humbled by this relationship. Me, who spends all day long talking to people about their relationships and having to be in relationships with my clients, am brought to my knees by my 2 year old daughter, who already gets it.

Sometimes a girl's just got to shop

And lo and behold, they make shopping easy for parents these days. Who knew how fun it could be to shop with a toddler when there are fancy play stations conveniently located by the Stride Rite store? And when she was good and tired, mama got to do a little long-overdue retail therapy for herself. It was an indulgence but I needed it.

I just have to say--Oh where, oh where has my little girl gone?

I mean, does this kid look like a 2 year old to you? No one told me that 2 was so BIG and WISE.
She made friends easily, being a social butterfly by nature. And this gregarious little girl was cheerful and inviting.

Just striking a pose, ripping her mama's heart out a thousand times a day.

A morning bike ride...

...but not mine! For those of you who knew me before parenthood, my morning rides defined my life for the last decade. You'd find me on my bike most days of the week. Alas, times they have a-changed. Look who's riding now!
From baby bjorn to backpack to bigger backpack and chariot, Jasmine now enjoys different views of our little pond from her bike, or lately, running herself around the pond. I love her boundless energy and am willing to slow myself down to spend this kind of time with her in the mornings.
This little bike, an appreciated and well-used hand-me-down from my brother's family, is almost outgrown and it's time to start looking into a bike that Jasmine propels all by herself. She's certainly ready and she loves to go off-road. A future mountain biker? A trail-runner? Be still my beating heart.

The weekend in review

Let's start with what's really important to parents--the art of potty-training. Oh yes, we've been potty-training for months now, but there's no rush. We're embracing the process as it comes and Jasmine is happy to go along. She loves wearing her new big girl panties and has no hesitation in using her potty on suggestion. But going out in public without a diaper? I think not.

She's a poser and why not? Sporting pigtails and infinite cuteness, I'd probably pose too.

We went to a benefit Sunday afternoon to assist the victims of Auburn's unprecedented fire. Over 60 homes were destroyed in a modest and unassuming neighborhood, right in downtown suburbia. We, up in the forested foothills, expect and dread this kind of thing but in downtown?Anyway, J wasn't ready to jump in any bouncy houses this time, or slide along the waterslide but she sure enjoyed watching...

and eating a snow cone.
Can I just say that her blossoming personality and infectious giggles are the main course in our household these days. We are in a post-surgery, almost full-recovery honeymoon and J is clearly enjoying her new mouth too. She is eating with gusto and vigor, loving things that go crunch (albeit soft crunches), trying to articulate words (with little success so far) and is sleeping through the night. Oh, the simple things in life, a good night's sleep being so alluring and elusive.

Now if we could just get the drooling to stop...

What No One Told Me About Adoption

This weekend is a blogging carnival (click this link to read more) and I think any adoptive parent might have a lot to say about this topic.

No one told me that my love for Jasmine would nearly break my heart open every single day.

No one told me that I would feel so exposed when out in the world. We certainly educated ourselves plenty about transracial adoption but no one could prepare me for my own personal experience of being out in the world with a gregarious and eye-catching Chinese toddler.

No one told me that I would wonder if other moms think I'm "real" enough. If other moms think that my love for Jasmine is second best. If other people feel sorry for me that I didn't give birth to my daughter.

No one told me how fiercely protective I would feel. No one told me that I don't want other children to stare at her (even though they stare at each other all the time) wondering if they notice her differences or if they will say something mean (some have already). No one told me that sending my daughter out into the world would cause me to lay awake at night, worrying if she will already start to get hurt by others.

No one told me that adopting a special needs child increases that protectiveness a hundred-fold.

No one told me the strain adopting and parenting can put on a marriage.

No one told me that adopting a special needs child would make me feel the need to explain certain things to strangers about Jasmine (I don't, but I feel compelled). I feel the need to explain why my 2 year old still drools and wears a bib, why she can't articulate words, but I don't. No one told me that I would compare her development with other children's, and then feel guilty for it. That I have to explain to some people that she IS different and even though she is abundantly happy and super-intelligent, she has special needs on multiple levels and that our love for her will never fill all the gaps.

No one told me that I would still wonder after a year if certain family members think of my daughter in the same way as other children in the family.

No one told me that I would wonder so much about how Jasmine's adoption will manifest for her when she is old enough to talk about it.

No one told me how annoying it would be when people assume adopting from China means you have a lot of money. We scrimped and saved and sacrifice daily to live within our very modest means. I have often felt that adoption agencies prepare people so much for some things (like racism, attachment issues) that other fundamental aspects of adopting get ignored. But truthfully, every adoption is personal and this particular issue gets under my skin. I already know how ignorant and racist people can be...but not everyone needs a garage full of toys and a big screen TV (of which we have neither).

No one told me that certain parts of parenting would come so easy, or that I would learn to cope with experiences that I was so scared of before. That I would watch Jasmine go under anesthesia 4 times in the first year of our lives together and that I would be strong enough to help her get through surgery.

No one told me that parenting would exhaust us so much and that I would constantly struggle to maintain some sense of control in my life.

A smoothie break

After a busy week for me of playing catch-up at work, Jasmine and I got out for a bike ride on Saturday. Her recovery has continued to be phenomenal and for that we are grateful and amazed. It hardly seems fair that on the cusp of complete recovery from mouth surgery she is hit with a terrible late summer cold.

Our ride was a little noisier than usual as we traveled the 15 miles into town instead of our usual route which is heading further away and deeper into the forest. There was considerable traffic--thankfully there's a also a very wide shoulder--and Jasmine had a tough time getting her afternoon nap. She complained off and on and was duly rewarded with a trip to our local coffee shop and a pineapple smoothie. Maybe it was a bit much, for later that day and for the remainder of the weekend, she was out of sorts, sneezing, itchy nose and miserable. We had to cancel our plans to visit grandparents and slow our pace down on Sunday.

This morning we are off to meet with her surgeon for her post-op appointment.

Finding our way back

We are slowly getting back to normal in our household. Jasmine spent the day with her daddy and mama went back to work. She's mostly sleeping through the night and is on very little pain medication during the day. We are both anxious to meet with her surgeon on Monday for her post-op, hoping that we haven't been too relaxed with guarding her new mouth. Truth be told, her surgeon was very relaxed about post-operative care. He seemed somewhat indifferent to no-no's (her arm guards) so she's never really used them. I've certainly not come across anyone else who has had this experience. He was also quite relaxed about food requirements, not insisting on liquified foods. When I asked him about feeding her, he shrugged and said, "Feed her soft foods, whatever you normally would feed her as long as it's soft." I have total faith in him but I'm still scared that we've been too relaxed.

We'll find out.

Wow, looking back on the year that we've had and finally getting to this point of repairing Jasmine's palate, we are thrilled and relieved and ready to springboard into our lives. We think Jasmine is ready too. She knows her mouth is fixed. We tell her how beautiful it is all the time. She opens her mouth and lets us look at it (as long as we indulge her with our open mouths for her prompt inspection) and admire the work.

And let me just say one more thing about my wonderful husband, who has been 100% supportive and committed to his girls this last week. We've both been pampered and spoiled and indulged.

The Crash

It was bound to happen, but it was hard to know what to expect. It's not that we weren't enjoying Jasmine's enthusiasm for life, exhausting as it was to have a napless 2 year old 4 days in a row. The crash came last night when J woke up @ 10:30 screaming in pain and so angry and inconsolable that Shane was not able to touch her. We gave her some medication but there was no putting her back down for the night. We spent a sleepless night together, her and I, with only a brief spell of sleep around 6 AM. Today was definitely a flashback to the early days of coming home from China, with Jasmine clinging to me like a little monkey and rejecting Shane's affection. The big difference is the 2 year old attitude, demonstrated quite forcefully with NO as a default response to almost everything. We had to toughen up today, making sure the hierarchy in our little family didn't flip-flop to something unrecognizable. We are happy to dote on Jasmine but allow her to be in charge? I think not. We were able to put her to bed early and hope our sleep-deprived sweetheart gets a good nights sleep and affords us all a better day tomorrow.

Running us ragged

The quality of this picture isn't so great but you get the point. This is 2 days after surgery, wanting to play on her slide, chase after the dog and keep us on our toes. Are you kidding me?!
It was no problem to get her to smile and pose this morning. She insisted on wearing her robe, despite the very warm temperatures both in and out. I tried to talk her out of it but to not avail so...
this is how she looked walking the dog. Yes, we walked the entire length of our street until we made it to the pond and not once did she suggest that she was too warm. I did have to carry her home but alas, not even a walk outside helped in getting this one to nap today.
A word to anyone out there pre-palate surgery. It might not be as bad as you think! Yesterday I asked Jasmine several times if her mouth hurt and she said no. We gave her Tylenol midday as a prophylactic measure (no codeine) but she was remarkably "normal" for most of the day. In fact, so normal that she will not nap no matter what we do--long walks, drive in the car, lying in the bed together, NOTHING. It's like she was infused with amphetamines instead of mouth surgery. She is giddy to have us both home with her, waiting on her hand and foot. She has turned into a princess and we are worn out.

No matter, it's all for the greater good. We are thrilled that her recovery has been so uneventful and look forward to all the progress this will bring. Jasmine continues to drool like a baby and literally needs to be taught to swallow her saliva. We are equally excited to initiate speech therapy. It's all part of the journey but for now? Jasmine is running us ragged.

She does it again

Yes, we're home. Jasmine has once again exceeded our wildest expectations by being discharged a mere 24 hours after surgery. I would be telling a lie if I said that it has been an easy 24 hours, but considering how difficult it can be, we are counting our blessings. Let's just start at the beginning...
Here's our little rock star, bringing down the house. Or at the very least, having most of the pre-op staff wrapped around her every finger. The toys, crayons, play-doh, teddy bear and push toys kept coming until her surgical team arrived shortly after 11 AM.
Jasmine had her run of the place, and strapped old bear and new bear on for an hour of riding around the nurses station. The lack of food finally started to catch up to her and she had a full melt down right before she was given her pre-surgery sedative. While this was supposed to calm her down, it had the more curious effect of turning her into a belligerent drunk.
Jasmine was inconsolable after surgery, an expected effect of coming out of anesthesia. While she is the only child we've ever had to go through this with, we are convinced that she adds her own willful element to this unpleasant process. It was a long hour and a half of screaming and thrashing and pulling at her IV before she finally calmed down and went back to sleep.

Jasmine had a fitful night of sleep, but because of a somewhat serendipitous event we were able to take walks in this wagon with her faithful neigh-neigh strapped in. A nurse was trying to adjust her IV when it suddenly came out. Apparently this is not an opportune event since putting an IV back into a unsedated 2 year old is, well, let's just say undesirable. But because Jasmine signed for juice as soon as she was conscious and started drinking immediately, her surgeon decided that she could continue on without her IV and all the adjoining wires for the rest of the night. This simple mishap allowed me to hold her, walk her and put her to bed in her own crib throughout the night. She was certainly the only child in post-op recovery without an IV line and she took full advantage of the opportunity. The wagon came only after hours of her insisting I carry her around the ward and my arms were about to fall off.

Jasmine was running around the ward all morning looking for things to play with and only had her first melt down when the pain meds wore off an hour early. Our biggest challenge is keeping ahead of her pain and trying to distract her when her meds wear off before she can have her next dose. In the meantime, she has been so close to her normal self since coming home, wanting to play, using her potty, drinking from a cup and torturing the dog that we can hardly believe her surgery happened yesterday. We'll see how the night goes for her but once again, Jasmine has managed to amaze us with her effervescent spirit and a deep well of goodwill.