Thankfully, we are slightly more experienced now, although when unexpected emotional upheavals occur, it definitely can throw me off. And I'm not always proud of how I react. Sometimes it takes me a day to think about what's happened and realize that I better come up with a new plan, a new response--and fast.
Jasmine has been in the care of others since the beginning of our lives together. As a self-employed person, I had to return to work within days of getting back from China. It was a gut-wrenching time in our lives. Shane had a little more flexibility than I did, but Jasmine had little interest in being wrestled out of my arms and placed into his. Do I have some guilt about that? Maybe some. But life is what it is and I try not to dwell in a place of guilt for too long. Don't get me wrong. That merciless feeling shows up frequently and I have to spend some time deciding if it's valid or just self-inflicted suffering. Again, not always clear but if there's one thing I see a lot of, it's parents all over (especially moms) suffering from guilt because they just don't do quite enough for their kids. And maybe some would crown me the queen of not-doing-enough. Because I work. And I have my own interests that I have fought hard to preserve. I know that I wouldn't feel whole if I gave too much of that up. I also know that my life and my heart revolves around Jasmine and my mental energy is constantly balancing everything that I value in our life together as a family.
When Jasmine wouldn't stay in daycare at the gym Wedn. night, we were bewildered. We all have really come to enjoy our family night. Jasmine spends the day at home with her Daddy and they talk all day about meeting Mama at the gym, going swimming and, if it's not too late, grabbing a bite to eat at a restaurant (a super special treat for our family). Jasmine would not let me leave her this week. Clung to me like a monkey. Screamed bloody-murder when I tried to leave. We cajoyed. Maybe threatened a little (no swimming tonight, no restaurant), but to no avail. She would not let me go. So we came home and I won't deny that I was irritated. But when we both tried to take her to school this week (she's there 2 days a week), she did the same routine. Latched on like a leech. I had to pry her strong little arms off my neck and hand her, screaming and wailing, to her teacher.
Thank you, Teacher Susan, for your calm and soothing presence and for calling me later and telling me everything was OK.
We're just going to have to ride this one out, and with my day or so to reflect, I know that I have to allow her to experience whatever is going on for her and not impose my own agenda on her. And this time around, Shane is no longer the one being rejected but gets to have his own experience of his daughter, who doesn't want to let go.
3 comments:
Hang in there, Monica. If it makes you feel any better, we have gone through this with our bio kids as well. I think sometimes they just go through phases of growing or maybe they have had some bad dreams or something has just triggered a bad memory or they are just tired. It sometimes seems that as soon as you get one phase down, another rears it's ugly head and you have to suddenly regroup and figure out a better way to deal. Do NOT beat yourself up over working. It seems to me that your time with J is realy quality time. You may just need to ride this out and I bet within a week or two, she will be behaving better. Just be firm but loving in your expectations and let her lead you through it:) (((HUGS)))
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but all I can say is hang in there. I'm sure it's just a phase and it will pass. And then she'll be up to something else:) At least that's the way it goes around here....
Insightful post! Hang tough - and try to remember that a good parent takes time to re-charge themselves too.
I'm only an 8 year adoptive parent - but have 20+ years of mistakes parenting under my belt! There are a great many things I wish I could do over - including being about 5 or 10 years older when the first one was born (you're still a kid at 25!) - That much said - and if I may be so bold - our adopted one's are 'different' - in particular with seperating from the parent!
You've heard me say this before - there is no such thing as a 'non-special needs' adoption from anywhere - all of our kids will at least have the emotional wound of abandonment (regardless of how they came to be orphaned - to kids it's all the same!).
It will re-surface from time to time - sometimes with a year or more inbetween bouts - but it will come back. Love them - hold them - support them - but require them to function in their world too, anything less will set them up for failure as an adult.
And after all of that - sorry - I don't have a magic cure - all kids are different and what ever will work for one won't with another....that's one of the joy's of parenting - when you guess right it's super rewarding! ;)
hugs - prayers - aus and co.
Post a Comment